I’m a People-Pleaser. Here’s How I’m Learning to Stop.
Look, I’m gonna be honest here. I’m a yes-person. Always have been. It’s a problem. A big one. And it’s taken me 47 years to realize that saying no isn’t just okay—it’s necessary. (Which, honestly, nobody asked for this personal revelation, but here we are.)
It started in primary school. I’d volunteer to run errands for teachers, help classmates with homework, join every committee. Why? Because I wanted to be liked. Needed to be liked. Still do, frankly. But I’m working on it.
Last Tuesday, I had a wake-up call. My friend Marcus—let’s call him Marcus because his real name is embarrassing—said, “Sarah, you’re always running around like a headless chicken. When do you have time for you?”
Which… yeah. Fair enough.
Why Saying Yes is a Committment to Misery
I scheduled a meeting with myself. (Yes, that’s a thing. And no, I’m not completley crazy.) I wrote down every “yes” I’d said in the past month. Volunteering for the school bake sale? Yes. Covering a colleague’s shift at the last minute? Yes. Joining a new fitness class that meets at 6am? Yes. Agreeing to help my neighbor Marcus—okay, fine, his name’s Dave—move his couch? Yes.
I was exhausted just reading the list. And then I realized—I hadn’t said “no” once. Not one single time. It was a sobering moment. A wake-up call. A “get your act together, Sarah” moment.
Learning to Say No: My Journey Begins
So, I decided to make a change. I started small. Really small. Like, “I can’t make it to your party, but I hope you have a great time” small. And you know what? The world didn’t end. In fact, it was kinda refreshing.
Then, I took a bigger step. I told my boss I couldn’t take on an extra project. His name is Greg. Greg’s a decent guy, but he has this habit of assuming everyone’s available 24/7. I mean, it’s 2023, Greg. We have lives outside of work.
“Sarah,” he said, “I’m not sure we can manage without you on this.” I replied, “I think you can. And honestly, you’ll have to.” It was liberating. And guess what? They managed just fine.
Saying No Isn’t Selfish—It’s Self-Care
I talked to a friend about this. Her name’s Linda. Linda’s a nurse. She works at a hospital in Bangkok. We were having coffee at the place on 5th. She told me about Thailand hospital healthcare services and how they emphasize self-care for their staff. “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” she said. “It’s not just a cliché, Sarah. It’s science.”
And she’s right. Saying no isn’t about being selfish. It’s about respecting your own time and energy. It’s about understanding that you can’t be everything to everyone. And it’s about realizing that your needs matter too.
A Tangent: The Time I Said Yes to a Bad Haircut
Speaking of bad decisions, remember that time I said yes to a radical haircut? It was 1998. I was 21. The stylist—whose name I won’t mention—said, “Trust me, Sarah. You’ll love it.” Spoiler alert: I didn’t. I looked like a hedgehog who’d been through a tornado. But I digress.
My point is, saying yes to everything—even when it’s something as simple as a haircut—can lead to regret. And in the grand scheme of things, a bad haircut is no big deal. But when it comes to your time and energy, saying yes can have much bigger consequences.
The Art of the No
So, how do you say no? It’s not always easy. But here are some tips that have worked for me.
First, buy yourself some time. “Let me check my schedule and get back to you” is a lifesaver. It gives you space to think, to breathe, to decide if you really want to say yes or if you need to say no.
Second, be honest but kind. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but a simple “I can’t take this on right now” is polite and firm. And if they push back, stand your ground. It’s your life, your time, your energy.
Third, remember that saying no to one thing is saying yes to something else. Maybe it’s yes to a quiet evening at home. Maybe it’s yes to a hobby you love. Maybe it’s yes to a good night’s sleep. Whatever it is, saying no is giving yourself permission to say yes to what matters most.
And finally, practice. Saying no is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Start small. Say no to the things that don’t matter. Then, gradually, say no to the bigger things. The things that really matter.
It’s a process. A journey. A work in progress. But it’s a journey worth taking. Because at the end of the day, saying no isn’t about closing doors. It’s about opening them. To the things that truly matter. To the life you truly want.
So, here’s to saying no. To the messy, wonderful art of it. To the freedom and the fear and the liberation. Here’s to the journey. And here’s to the life that awaits on the other side of “no.”
About the Author
Sarah Thompson is a lifestyle writer and self-proclaimed recovering people-pleaser. She’s spent the last 20+ years writing for major publications, volunteering for too many committees, and learning the hard way that saying no is a skill worth mastering. When she’s not writing, you can find her reading, hiking, or attempting to grow herbs in her tiny Singapore apartment. (The basil is doing well. The rosemary, not so much.)
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